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August 24th, 2004

03:44 am - The Junk of the Heart I wish that mercury would get the hell out of retrograde and leave me with a tiny bit of sanity. The matters of the heart are so complicated right now, and it feels like im trying to make a right turn but im ending up in reverse. I am very confused. Tonight I had to do perhaps one of the hardest things I have ever done. Shane (my ex from Australia) sent me an email asking me to come back to him. We have been off and on with these plans since 2002. For three years this has been an open door. One minute we want to be together, and the next it feels like that tower comes falling to the ground. I love Shane, and I love him with a large piece of my heart. But, being that he is in a different country...it seems like an impossible feat. I know the Beatles said that all you need is love, but that statement couldnt be more false. One of us would have to give up so much of our home. And, being that the US is very not nice with visas...it would probably be me. he wants to marry me...have children. I guess at ten years old every little girl thinks they will start their own family... at 21 i have decided that is not a life I am ready to fall into yet...im still so young, and have so many lessons to learn. i dont want to rush my future. So I have to make a choice, right?! Being that this has been going on for nearly three years (and this on and off heartbreak is too much for three years). Something needs to change. I decided that it wasnt meant for now. So tonight I had to write him a long letter saying that this was it...my last piece to him. I explained that I want to start a new life...and with no settlements. That means I have to close this door, because its a ghost that is relentless. Its more painful than I could ever state. To love someone, but know that its not the path that you want. Sometimes love just isnt enough. So tomorrow I let go of a man that has been there for so long...tomorrow I say goodbye. I feel this is the best move for me, but that doesnt take the pain away. On top of that two of the boys ive been "getting to know" are just...annoying the ever loving fuck out of me. One of them has a bug up their ass because he thinks i self depricate myself...which isnt true. And we got in a HUGE fight and I dont even know if he will ever speak to me again, and I havent known him long, but I cant help but feel that he is special. he is acting like a stellarly large douchebag right now, though. And another one (ive mentioned him before...he has a Ganesha tattoo and just...oh man...heart heart heart) seemed like he was finally getting ready to get to know me. But he cancelled our plans and doesnt seem to be willing to reschedule. i really like him...i feel something warm for him. however, he doesnt seem to want time one on one. Therefore...i am confused about him. He asked me to go to his show on saturday, but dodged me today when i asked to hang out and cancelled our plans yesterday. HELP...i mean, i just feel strong for him (i dont know in what way yet, due to the fact we really havent had much time together) but he...i dont know. hes either blowing me off or is scared to know me. It sucks... Im scared because Im letting go of all this stability...as fucked up as my situation with shane is...he was always there, and I knew all i had to do was reach to him. I am letting that go...I am taking a huge step...and now all of these fears are boiling...what if forever is paved with loneliness. ugh. im scared...im upset...im sad...im confused...im just a mess. i get desperate when im alone... Current Mood: crappy Current Music: The Wieght ** Dragged Back In

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June 18th, 2004

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April 23rd, 2004

12:47 am Ahhh, whirlwind. There is this boy...and he is absolutely gorgeous...amazing, and he has a tattoo of Ganesha (like me!!) and BOOM my heart says HOLY FATE. haha. I realize that Ganesha is a very popular choice for a tattoo, but in central NY...haha, unless its a butterfly or a fairy...its completely unheard of! So you can imagine my excitement upon seeing this said tattoo. Whenever this boy comes into the store we have lovely conversation, but my heart just gets all fluttery...and that is something i do not know how to deal with. There is an obvious connection, that i feel very strongly...however, it seems that he know has a love interest. *sighs* But there is just something there...something very strong, indeed. So yes...mmmhmm...and then there is my little youngin...I have decided to steer clear of any romantic ties to him...however, I do want to get to know him better. I had a very disturbing and very vivid dream involving him a few nights back...he was badly hurt, but it was self inflicted. This dream automatically made the mommy in me come out...so needless to say he is a figure i want to get to know, but not pursue. There is an interesting chemistry between us as well, but I am unsure of its purpose as of now. Now...Shane...he emailed me, and we spoke on the phone...he swears up and down that someday we will be together...that someday we will have a family and all that lovely betty crocker stuff... The cancer in me automatically craves this kind of a life, but my Sag. Moon is just not interested. I am torn and half in half...at any given point I could go back there...I could find myself with him again, and loving him the way that I have...but eye to eye. However, this would mean forsaking every little thing I have built up over these past couple of years...I dont know if I can do that. Many people say...follow your heart...etc..., but that is not as easy as one would think. My heart whispers different endings...there is no clear path here. I am utterly, hopelessly confused. So here we have three (typical number for me) men whom have a part to play in this sherade, but where? Further more...Mother has decided she is indeed staying in Pakistan and she is NOT coming home without Asad. I had a feeling that she would change her mind and not come back...somethings you just know. I do not think it was intuition as much as it was the knowledge of my Mother...I have learned her system. Her choice worries me, but my hands are bound as her fate is her own doing. However...there is something wrong...this I know. This I sense, and this I have portrayed to her many times. She does not and will not heed my advice...so here I wait...here I anticipate. This is the worst part of having her so far away. The wondering is hell. Beyond that I spent over an hour at the DMV today, and paid them an ungodly amount of money (as one would expect), and that began to ruin my entire day, but it chippered up. I spent the evening with my dearest Shinae, and got a lovely haircut. It was relaxing and simple...what a lovely change. Ok, well...after the incoherent babble I will release this entry into the wonders of internet access... **ponders** Current Mood: **sniffles** Current Music: I dont know what to do with myself ** white stripes

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March 31st, 2004

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March 20th, 2004

12:19 pm - the best things in life are free So I woke up this morning and signed online. I was smoking my cigarette and reading the AOL ads. Two caught my eye. The first was THIS YEARS HOTTEST CARS-THE BEST WHEELS TO WIN A DATE. I'm thinking...what the fuck?! This disgusted me...do you really want to date someone who is only dating you because of your car? Forget about intimacy unless your on lookout point in the backseat on your new leather interior...and thats not all ladies, it heats up at just the touch of a button. yes, luxury at its finest. Annnnnd...hell, if he can afford this kind of car just imagine his house, and all the pretty little things he can buy for you to compensate for the fact that you feel nothing at all for this pour nerd of a man...but damn the wallet sure is a beautiful thing. *grumbles* it makes me happy that society is advertising something as precious as what love could be by the car that you drive. But, this is 2004...and nothing is sacred anymore. The next was THE FIRST SOLDIER KILLED IN IRAQ-MARINE WHO DIED OVER A YEAR AGO IS STILL A PART OF SMALL TOWN LIFE. Well no shit its still a part of his hometowns life. It was a fucking human being that died out there...with a family, and friends, and probably a lover(but she may have just been dating him for his ride anyways)...you dont just forget about people whom you love. Especially when they are blown to bits in a war that was caused by a fucking primitive president. We have been at war for over a year now...over a damn year, and what does AOL say...the first marine to die...the story of...is that story gonna change a damn thing?? No, because people turn the other way in this world...they turn the other fucking way unless it happens to them...gee whiz...then its something worth fighting for or believing in, right?! I am sickened. Just so you know...the other headline was about women losing their libedo at a young age. Well thats what happens when you only become intimate with someone because of a car...the sex was never good and never will be and you just lose interest...but you just keep staring at that shiny cherry red paint, honey...that makes it all better. So yeah, after all that...im sickened. i am absolutely horrified with what has become of this society. We shudder about homeless people or third world countries...we thank heavens that thats not us and that we have more. But do we? I wonder...this consumer state of mind really has my opinions in a twist. Now im not saying that I want to move out of the house...quit my job, and start eating out of a dumpster. But those people usually thank you for the little that is given to them...they probably hold a high value on many things...like family, friends, and love. What happened to the beauty of companionship? Has this fucking nation forgot what its like to laugh right beside someone else? My mother emailed me today from Pakistan...she wants me to send her tax information over there so she can get her new hubby (and new life) over here faster. I told her I would as soon as I got the extra money and time. And you know what she emails me back?! WELL GIVE IT TO YOUR SISTER AND I WILL HAVE HER MAIL IT TO ME AND TAKE THE MONEY OUT OF MY BANK ACCOUNT. ITS ONLY TWO DOLLARS ANYWAYS. I AM FINE! yeah, fuck you too mom. Enjoy your new life, and I am sorry that my family was never good enough, but truth be told mom...all those times you called me ugly, worthless and fat when i was young...i havent forgotten and yes, im still really fucked up over that. Why dont you pack your bags with a little bit of that emotion and tell me how heavy it feels. Im sorry we could never do enough to make your life with us worthwhile, but for what its worth...i would like a mother...so maybe when you feel up to it you could take the roll? Of course...i dont drive a nice car and i dont have much money...so maybe not?! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Money is NOTHING compared to love...get it through your thick fucking consumer driven brains. No dollar amount will EVER replace the memories of a good friend or lover...no dollar amount will ever make the sun shine for you. you cant buy happiness and you cant buy love...not even with a nice fucking car...truth. theres a mind stumper...truth. Truth will bring you beauty...and heres the real kicker of the equation...it doesnt cost a damn thing. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: bitter sweet symphony ** the verve

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March 8th, 2004

11:24 pm You are a Fulci Zombie. The incessant beating of the native drums has awakened you to feed on the living. You're not real clear on why. You feed on living human tissue and can be killed by any sharp blow to the head. What kind of Zombie are you? brought to you by Quizilla ok, so I totally would have rather rocked the Raimi, Jackson, or Romero category...but Fulci makes some hard ass italian movies. So rock and roll...beyond that its better than being a Craven zombie...hehe...at least im sexy, even while im munching on your carcass. Give mama some love.

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February 29th, 2004

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February 25th, 2004

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February 15th, 2004

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February 6th, 2004

01:11 pm :: how nintendo are you? :: mwahahahahahahahha

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January 29th, 2004

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January 27th, 2004

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January 23rd, 2004

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January 20th, 2004

02:09 pm - DAY OFF Ahhh, I slept in. i dreamt, and i remember my dream. it was disturbing. But alas, I asked the universe to send me an idea for a novel, and it did. I love it when the universe is so cooperative. I was reading through a journal last night...my Soul Catcher...and I happened across a page that had many various questions listed on it...and out of all of them I answered only one. The question was I WANT TO LIVE (fill in the space) and i put WITHOUT LIMITATION. Haha...such a dreamer I can be. Literally. Hmmmph...well well...work is good. I saw a cute boy with a Ganesha tattoo (gasp)...i must make him mine! haha everything is mellow...serene. I like it this way. Today I plan to write...I just want to create. i am hungry for that. *sigh*...its shaping up to be a good day after all. WE ARE THE RIDERS ON THE STORM...for all of those whom I love who are just now seeing the end of their storm. For those still fighting...your time of rest draws near. I am here... Current Mood: artistic Current Music: Sallys Pigeons ** Cyndi Lauper

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January 15th, 2004

01:41 am - interesting.... Your Name: Stephanie Nicholl Berberick Your Date of Birth: 07/20/83 Your Question or Information: General... Past Mannaz - Cooperation, teamwork, collaboration, help and aid from others, beginning new projects, especially with others. Present Fehu - Increase of wealth and possessions, protection of valuables. Used to send energy on its way, fire in its uncontrolled, primal state. Future Ing - Fertility, successful conclusion to issue or situation, ending one cycle and beginning another. Cast the runes here: Rune Caster

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01:18 am - Shine On.. Creepy feelings of deja vu. The past two days have flooded me with the thought "I have been here before." Something important is unfolding right here...before my gray eyes. But what? The cards will be no guide. No, this is within me. Things are good... The air is cold, practically numbing. Yet there is this warmth... This is curious... Current Mood: what is on its way?? Current Music: Amber ** 311

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January 11th, 2004

06:35 am - I Am Not A One Trick Pony I feel like no one can hold me...nobody can conform me...nobody can ignore me... ahhhh, good words....good good. In any matter...its 6:30 in the morning, and I have to be to work in an hour and a half...and I have not yet slept. Lovely, eh? I even made sure to be a good little child and not drink coffee before bed. Whatever. This post is pure boredom...so don't really look forward to reading it, haha, there is nothing here. There has been a lot of interesting spirit in the air...great energies. I feel like the warmth we were looking for in the past year has been found or is on the verge. Good good. I have read the cards for many people whom I consider close to me, and wow, i saw some very wonderful things around the bend. They just have to turn that corner, which can be the hardest part. *wink*, but at least it comes to you. I am excited, Monday night I am being treated out to see BIG FISH...the new Tim Burton film. It looks divine. *sigh* Oh if only I could be lost in the fantasy... Current Mood: I WANTED SLEEP... Current Music: can't always get what you want ** rolling stones (teehee)

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January 10th, 2004

02:55 pm - W.B. Yeats Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams. Aww, *tear*...how...utterly...sweet... Why am I not repulsed by this? Perhaps the bitter sweet has disappeared?! :-O Interesting... Two of Swords...balance, balance, balance... Current Mood: Poetic Current Music: Pretty Good Looking ** White Stripes

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January 9th, 2004

07:33 pm - Don't Try Again I got a little elf In my pocket he's full of tricks... He tells me what you're gonna do So I am always one step ahead of you Proverbs You were written in blood Proverbs You were scarred with money lust Proverbs You're addicted to self destruction Proverbs I don't want this anymore... My little elf is singing The blues of a man whose finally woke up Looking at the mess he made And the truth he took away... I'm in my bedroom once more staring at white walls this time Instead of the phone Proverbs Written in blood Proverbs Money ... lust ... bondage... Proverbs Stick the needle deeper Proverbs No home for you here... *sigh* dont ask...yeah, it was shit. haha, but you have to know the situation to understand. I hear you knockin, but you can't come in. Don't bother trying tomorrow. Yup. Golden years...there was a good day. A "pink" day *wink*. You arent taking that away. I refuse to let you paint me meloncholy again. All star...hehe...mines already walking away. I didn't want your waste on it. Yup...babble. I sold my soul to the devil for a one night stand... Current Mood: JAVA JAVA JAVA Current Music: saturdays ** nelly furtado

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January 4th, 2004

09:12 am - All I know is... *sigh* so in three hours I must depart to pick up Mother and attend a family party. Ugh. This is NOT something I am looking forward too. I can see it already YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED WHAT IS THAT METAL IN YOUR FACE DONT YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO REGRET THOSE TATTOOS WHY DONT YOU JUST GO BACK TO SCHOOL WHY CANT YOU DYE YOUR HAIR BLONDE AGAIN etc...etc... yup. Good times. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: WHY ** Annie Lennox

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